Modified+Script

Mommy: I don't know what can be keeping them. Daddy: That's the way things are today; you just can't get satisfaction; you just try. Mommy: Daddy! Look at Grandma; look at all the boxes she's carrying! Grandma: Where'll I put them? Mommy: Heavens! I don't know. Whatever are they for? Grandma: That's nobody's damn business. //Doorbell Rings//

Mommy: Oh, goodness! Here they are! Grandma: Who? Who? Mommy: Oh, just some people. Grandma: The van people? Is it the van people? Have you finally done it? Have you called the van people to come and take me away? Daddy: Of course not, Grandma! Grandma: Oh, don't be too sure. She'd have you carted off too, if she thought she could get away with it. Mommy: Pay no attention to her, Daddy. (An aside to Grandma) My God, you're ungrateful! Just you wait; I'll fix your wagon. ( Now to Daddy) Well, go let them in Daddy. What are you waiting for? Daddy: I think we should talk about it some more. Mommy: There's no need.You made up your mind; you were firm; you were masculine and decisive. Daddt: But I'm not sure that... Mommy: Open the door. Daddy: Was I firm about it? Mommy: Oh, so firm; so firm. Daddy: And was I decisive? Mommy:SO decisive! Oh, I shivered. Daddy:And masculine? Was I really masculine? Mommy: Oh, Daddy. you were so masculine; I shivered and fainted. Grandma: Shivered and fainted, did she? Humf! Mommy: You be quiet. Daddy: I shall now open the door. Mommy:WHAT a masculine Daddy! Isn't he a masculine Daddy? Daddy:Maybe we can send them away. Mommy:Oh, look at you! You're turning into jelly; you're indecisive; you're a woman. Daddy:I'm going to open he door. Watch. Watch! Mommy:We're watching; we're watching. Grandma: I'm not

Mrs.Barker: Hello, Mommy; hello, Daddy; and hello there, Grandma. Mommy: [Hello Mrs.Barker] Would you like a cigarette, and a drink, and would you like to cross your legs? Mrs.Barker: You forget yourself, Mommy; I'm a professional woman. But I will cross my legs. Mommy: Are you sure you're comfortable? Won't you take off your dress? Mrs.Barker:I don't mind if I do. Mommy:There. You must feel a great deal more comfortable. Mrs.Barker:Well, I certainly //look// a great deal more comfortable. Daddy: I'm going to blush and giggle. Mommy: Daddy's going to blush and giggle. Mrs.Barker:( Pulling the hem o fher slip above her knees) You're lucky to have such a man for a husband. Daddy: I just blushed and giggled and went sticky wet.

Grandma: Now if you're interested in knowing why these boxes are here.... Mommy: Well, nobody is interested! Grandma; You can be as snippety as you like for all the good it'll do you. Daddy: You two will have to stop arguing. Mommy: Well, why don't you call a van and have her taken away? Grandma:( To Mrs.Barkers) Mommy comes from extremely bad stock. And besides, when Mommy was born...well, it was a difficult delivery, and she had a head shaped like a banana. Mommy:You stop listening to her; she'll say anything. Just the other night she called Daddy a hedgehog. It's all those television shows, Daddy, You go right into Grandma's room and take her television.

(Mrs.Barker and Grandma stay one stage)

Mrs.Barker: I really do feel that I can trust you. //Please// tell me why they called and asked us to come. I implore you!


 * __Grandma:__** This is the part where I explain in huge monologues that Mommy and Daddy went to her before and adopted a bumble.

Mrs.Barker: A what? Grandma: A bumble; a bumble of joy...the bumble didn't look like eithr one of its parents, but things got worse...it cried its heart out...it only had eyes for its Daddy Mrs.Barker:...any self-respecting woman would have gouged those eyes right out Grandma:Well, she did. But it kept its nose up in the air. Then, it began to develop an interest in its you-know-what. Mts.Barker:Well! I hope they cut its hands off ... Grandma: Well, yes they did that eventually. But first, they cut off its you-know-what. Mrs.Barker: A much better idea! Grandma: Why, one day it called its Mommy a dirty name. Mrs.Barker: Well, I hope they cut its tongue out! Grandma:Of course.Well, for the last straw, it finally up and died; and you can imagine how that made them feel, their having paid for it, and all. So they called up the lady who sold them the bumble in the first place and told her to come right over to their apartment. They wanted satisfaction; they wanted their money back. I don't know if it helped you any... Mrs.Barker: I can't tell yet. I'll have to relate it to ceratin things that I know, and ...draw...conclusions. Oh, will you still be here after I've had my drink of water? Grandma:Probably...I'm not as spry as I used to be. Mrs.Barker: Oh. Well I won't say good-bye then. (Mrs.Barker exits)

Doorbell rings

Grandma: Well, now aren't you a breath of fresh air! Young man: Hello there Grandma: My, my, my. Are you the van man? Young man: The what? Grandma: The van man, The van man. Are you come to take me away? Young man: I don't know what you're talking about. Grandma: My, my, aren't you something! Young man: Oh. Thank you. Grandma: You don't sound very enthusiastic. Young man: Oh, I'm...I'm used to it. Grandma: Boy, you know what you are, don't you? You're the American Dream, that's what you are. Young man: Thanks. I'm looking for work. Grandma: Are you! Well, what kind of work? Young man: I'll do almost anything for money.. Grandma:Hey! You look familiar.

__**Young man:**__ I look familiar because I'm the twin of that bumble of joy.I feel incomplete. I'm here to replace Grandma, but I don't know that. Now excuse me while I pretend to be a van man and help Grandma leave.

Young Man: And what shall I do now? Grandma: Oh, you stay here, dear. It will all become clear to you. It will be explained. You'll understand.